it’s been a while. shit, how much has changed since just three months ago. i don’t even know where to start my story. i took a change for the worse. i found a part of myself that i never would have dreamed existed. even though i do believe overall i’m in a downward spiral, i see some glimmer of good coming from it. i’m beginning to realize what it means to be a friend. i have realized what it means to live for yourself. i’ve had experiences that i never dreamed i would have. i may have made many mistakes, but with that my eyes have been opened to a whole new world. i am a senior in high school and this year i have seen a part of the world that is dark, but at the same time it’s what i needed. i needed to realize what i have. i needed to learn that i took advantage of how well my life has been this far. i can’t say that i’ve accomplished anything worry of praise, nor have i ever experienced that thing called love. but i can say that i have experienced flying, soaring with someone i care about. no, not a relationship of sorts. a friendship. someone who should me what it’s like to be knocked down but picked back up in the same instance. senior year is already a fourth of the way over and it’s not going to slow down. i’ll be soon graduated and thrown out into this world. yes, i’ve made mistakes this year but i don’t regret a single thing i’ve done. i plan on living out the rest of my senior year to the fullest. i plan on doing everything and experiencing everything. i’m done playing it safe. it’s time for me to live out the high school experience.

it’s been a while; so, let’s take a moment for me to explain my summer..

• got buzzed with my guy bestfriend and flirted hardcore all night, two hours later we confess our feelings. that was the beginning of a fucked up summer.
• above led to my best friend and i sneaking out and hanging out with the above guy. night ended with my friend in the driver seat and the guy and i making out in the back, not my shining moment.
• above led to us talking for a week, yes that is all. he went on to say that he just didn’t think it was going to work, cool.
• next month i was completely led on then heartbroken then led on again, put that on on repeat, by the same guy.
• while this is all happening a co-worker/classmate and i have been flirting since february-ish? this begins to heat up more, this comes in later.
• i go to virginia with a very good friend and have a blast, there are some upsides to this summer!
• when i get back, seriously the night after i get back, i stay at my grandma’s. above co-worker is having a party across the street(did i forget to mention he lives across the street from my grandma?) well yes his family was having a fourth of july party and i was staying at my grandma’s alone for the week. it was midnight when i got home and he said hi to me, basic shit. get a text asking if i want a beer and i said yes. well long story short i got trashed, he was trashed. we didn’t have sex, but use your imagination…in my crazy religious grandmother’s house.
• bestfriend finds out and makes damn sure to be a my grandma’s the next three days; jealous much, just friend?
• confusion sets in, i ask. i get shot down…again
• that saturday hang out with co-worker and another co-worker, i get high for the first time…that was an adventure, i burnt my thumb
• time passes; bestfriend gets drunk, i pick him up and we drive around. he confesses to him being bothered by whole co-worker situation and that he still has feelings for me
• next day, i ask him if he remembers what he said and if it was true…it was. EVERYTIME I THINK I’M GETTING AWAY, HE DRAWS ME BACK IN!
• a few days pass; i get trashed and send him the worst text possible. i tell him that his girls bother me and that we obviously still have feelings for each other.
• next morning; he throws everything back in my face and says i’m forcing him to have feelings he doesn’t have, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

            i have not spoken to either boy above since last said activities, it’s been a fantastic summer.

i kissed my best friend. sometimes i wonder what my thought process is. how many times does a relationship last in this situation? EVER! i think we’re okay now but i know it will never be the same again. the scary part of this whole thing is i would do it again.. in a heartbeat. i regret the fact that i know we will never be right for each other and that this is going to hurt our friendship but i will never regret kissing him, it gave me hope that we will have something in the future, maybe. for now though, it’s summer. i plan on living it up and not worrying about it. i will be dating freely and won’t be tied down to what if’s.

i’m starting to move thanks to you, for once let it work out.

sometime i wonder why it can never be me. he tells me he never lies to me and i’m one of the only people he tells everything too. we always have those moments where in any normal situation, he would look me in the eye and kiss me. but no; ‘you’re my best firend’ he says, ‘i never want to lose you.’ go on; date the whores, do what you need to. but soon you’ll realize i was the only thing you wanted or needed. except then it will be too late, i will have moved on. i need to move on. i can’t be the girl he can always depend on. i can’t be the girl he knows he can always come back to. that isn’t me. i need to find my own way and know that i am worth someone’s first pick, not just the rebound. sadly, it’s time to let him go and know that we will always be friends, only friends.

sometimes i sit here and worry. worry about the past, worry about the future. mainly i worry about what will come of my friends and me. will we still be close? will i see them often? what happens when i move to chicago or where ever the hell i go? i can’t stay here. i can’t do it. i’ll go no where in my life. i have to leave this town, this place. sometimes i sit here and think about how scary the future actually is. i don’t know what’s going to happen. i can plan and plan and plan. the odds are that it won’t happen that way. will my dreams happen at all? do i have what it takes to do what i want? i honestly don’t know. i have to get out of this place, but it’s scary to think about actually leaving.

my mom asked me the other day. ‘if i see all these guys giving you attention, why don’t you have a boyfriend?’ yeah good question mom, let’s shut up now….

Sometimes I wonder what the point is. Why do the things we do? When you’re younger you look forward to being older and going to high school then on to college. We never really took the time to see how lucky we were. We had few worries. We never had to worry about that girl at the party who had a little too much to drink. We never had to worry who was tweaking out on pills that day. We didn’t have licenses so our friends couldn’t die in teen related accidents. In the past month I have lost a classmate and an old school mate. Grant it I go to a school where there’s too many people to know everyone and I didn’t know the girl that died. She was still in my graduating class. That’s still scary. That could have been any one of my close friends. That was someone’s best friend. That was someone’s daughter. Many stories are going around about her, all either drug or alcohol related. This is why we’re too young. We can’t handle it. I’m tired of losing people I know. I lost a person who I saw everyday for five years. I wasn’t close to him, but once you go to a private school you care for everyone there. Losing someone that close to home is scary. I’m growing up and this is my reality. It only gets worse and the best thing I can do is move forward. I can’t change it. I’m scared. I’m scared to see what comes next; I’m scared to who goes next. I’m scared about how it happens. I’m in high school; I thought these were supposed to be the years that were careful, not filled with death and sorrow. Not filled with one let down after another.

in a world where nothing seems to go right, we have to remember that there is something that we can look forward too. wether it be that one person who you love, a visit from a favorite family member, or perhaps it’s just knowing that while others are opressed and fighting for their freedom, we have a chance to do something with ours. i am an american and i want to believe that the reason i am a free is to help the others in this world to know that feeling. to know that you get the chance to get an education, i have a chance to follow my dreams and maybe one day make a difference. it sickens me when people out there don’t take that chance. they sit around and watch as they waste thier chance to live. people say they want peace and freedom, but what are they actually doing about it? what am i actually doing about it? we can learn so much from the crisis in the middle east. they are fighting not only for their freedom but for their life.

sometimes i wonder what the point is. what is the point of going after things we don’t know we’re going to get? how do we keep putting ourselves through the dissappointments? why do we choose to set goals that will probably never happen? all it does is tear us down to the point of us cracking. i want so much in life but i have no idea how to achieve it. how do we expect ourselves to get what we want in life when we don’t even know our first move? in this life, i’ve felt more lonely than anything. sure i have good friends and an amzing family. yet, i feel like im walking through life on my own. no, i’m not suicidal. don’t worry about that. i’m just cracking. i don’t know what i should do first. as my last three semesters of highschool come up fast, i’m starting to worry about my future. my dreams are so big and so out there, i feel as if i am setting myself up for disaster. i’m going out of my mind with the fear of failure. i’m asking myself questions i’ve never worried about before. i’m losing my self confidence, i’m second guessing myself. i’ve never done this that much before. i’m tired. i need a break from reality. i need to get away for awhile and clear my mind.

i’m getting really tired of always being the single friend. time for new roles.